self-efficacy, a poem

A lot has changed in the past four months.

I am secure and confident and happy.

I am ready for any problem that comes my way.

I can solve it.

I can accept it.

I've learned that I can love.

And I can love deeply.

Friends who I see every few months.

And a friend who is close and means everything to me.

I have a boyfriend who I want to be with,

who I am willing to go all in and work through problems with,

or accept and let them be.

I can live with the sadness if he doesn't want to reciprocate.

I am willing to take risks and be vulnerable.

Because I care.

And I can.

And I want to.

I have not always felt this way though.

Not long ago I was working through depression and was in bed tired up to twenty hours a day.

Meeting my boyfriend was a turning point in time.

Now I have the energy and brainpower and friends to call on for any problem.

I still get anxious in loud places and emotionally charged crowds.

But I am more confident in breathing deeply and leaving if I want to.

I don't drive. But I am confident I can go to places I care about. Whether by bus or uber or plane. I am still badass.

Nick Cammarata saying you can be happier than you can imagine.

And Nate Soares saying that you can be happy doing hard things.

Before, these were ideas in my imagination. But now I have a taste of what it is like to embody that.

Sam Altman is strategic and resourceful.

My friend is like a walking-CFAR handbook. They jut me out of my frame and make me consider other ways to optimize for what I really want.

I have a friend who is expressive and atuned to asking followup questions, who makes me want learn to do the same.

I have a friend who is making me reconsider my values, where my goals come from, and what is actually good for the world.

I found a song that makes me cry from happiness.

Sometimes I feel FOMO from making money or AI progress.

But I feel good living a boring life with focus.

I want to be sane and grounded when acceleration is steep.

I want to come alive and shine from my eyes.

I love my life. I love my friends. And I love me.

[1] Self Efficacy by 2veritasium

[2] Happier than you can imagine from Nick Cammarata

[3] My review of Replacing Guilt by Nate Soares

[4] Sam Altman is strategic

[5] Reconsider my values from Brandon Sayler

[6] Song that makes me cry from happiness

[7] Come alive and shining eyes from Visakanv

[8] The boys i mean are not refined by e. e. cummings