My Family Financial Saga

One of the last conversations I had with my mom was sitting at my childhood park and telling me about being careful taking money from my grandparents because there will always be strings attached and they will use it to control you. My grandparents did not like my mom and my mom never took a cent from them. I was worried about money for school and my mom reassured me it wouldn't be a problem. After eight years of living with cancer, we knew what was coming, but it was still difficult when she passed.

I took a quarter off to grieve. But when I came back to school, everything fell apart again - my brother called to tell me dad was sending tons of money to a romance scammer. I had to go back home to deal with this new crisis. It felt awful, just like when I had to leave in the middle of my first quarter to be with mom in her last week. I lost it with my dad - I was so angry watching him throw away nearly $100k, and knowing there would be more scams coming that I couldn't stop.

I ended up dropping out completely this time. It wasn't like the temporary leave for my mom - I was just so drained from trying to fix everything in the family, and I didn't think we had money for school anyway. The weird thing was my dad kept pushing me to go back to school and saying money wouldn't be a problem, but when I couldn't, he cut me off financially.

School wasn't great even before all this. I was depressed, didn't really connect with anyone, and was living in really bad apartment situation that I needed to get away from. I've already visited friends in Berkeley often and it felt like an escape. I moved there and lived off my savings from working, focused on getting mentally healthier, and did what I called "independent AI safety research" - but really it was just me floundering around trying to do something productive. I was going to go on my own path and never going back to school, or at least I thought I was.

A good friend ended up staying over for a week - we both struggled with being tired often and were trying to figure out how to be productive and live according to our values. During that week, he convinced me community college was worth trying and that school may be different from past experiences. With other friends encouraging me, I enrolled in calculus 1 for the third time.

School has been tough, but I finally felt more confident about school last semester. However, my savings were now running out. Throughout this time, there was the narrative of my dad saying there was no money for me and I had to figure it out myself. I believed him. I knew I needed to clarify my situation with my grandparents but I kept on looking for the right moment.

Two weeks ago in Taiwan, my uncle and aunt learned about me running out of money and started advocating for my grandpa to give me money. It was clear, explicit, and he agreed. For a moment, I felt hopeful that things could improve.

The next morning I woke up and my dad said he told my grandpa not to give me money. He said grandpa didn't have any money and not to talk to my uncle and aunt because all they can do is talk. I felt like he went behind my back thinking he knew me and was angry that entire travel day to Taipei.

A few days after we came back home, my dad and grandpa came all the way to SF with demands: go back to my 4 year school and move back home by the end of the month. I tried explaining how I valued the stability I've built up in Berkeley and how I wanted to make sure I can handle the transition before changing cities and schools. I tried making things explicit, but the implication was I wasn't getting financial support if I didn't agree.

I have been working on an annual report to send to family for a month, partly to ask for money, but it wasn't finished. That night, with the help of my boyfriend, I finally finished writing the annual report. I explained what I've been doing and what my long term plans were so they could see I had a direction and wasn't just being undirected and rebellious. The report was important to me because it showed who I am and what I was working towards.

The next morning, I was anxious about how the report would be received. After preparing myself with some yerba mate and sunlight, my grandpa texted he'll send a check and my uncle said some encouraging things and will wire me money.

Along with a confirmation about the numbers, grandpa texted that homosexuality is not good. My dad must have told him since they were coming to SF where my boyfriend lives. The day after, my dad called insisting I needed to move back home to cook for the family. He said I had to think not only about myself and that the family needed me. I tried explaining the tradeoffs and its impact on me - the long commute to Berkeley, the loss of stability - he kept on insisting.

The money from my uncle and grandpa did come through. But my mom was right about the strings - they were always there, pulling. Sometimes it was obvious demands like moving home or changing schools. Sometimes it was subtler pressures about attitudes toward living and obedience to family.

I feel bad about my mom. I felt like she had a difficult life because of my grandparents and lost a lot of personal sovereignty. My mom knew what she was warning me about - she'd lived it. But she also reminds me of figuring out my own path and that the cost of independence.

Sometimes I feel proud for supporting myself for the past few years, even with all the family pressure. But I think there's value in taking support from family - carefully, in a way that lets me stay connected without letting their support dictate my life. I believe there is a possible version of our family being healthier.

Right now, I'm staying in Berkeley, focusing on my studies, and being clear about my boundaries. I think the annual report was a huge step toward clearer communication with family and giving them more opportunities to know who I am. I'm still expecting family to criticize me, but I hope I can handle it better in the future.

Sometimes I wish I could talk to my mom and see what she thinks about what I've done and who I am now. I hope she would be proud too.