Creating, bikes, and feelings

After writing yesterday's post, I read "Why Do I Suck?" on Astral Codex Ten. It mentioned not discussing about big questions anymore and moving on to finer details because the big questions have all been exhausted and are boring for him, but younger people still debate them. This is addressed in "The Importance of an Unhappy Adolescence" by The School of Life, where teens are natural philosophers still trying to figure stuff out, and it still being useful to document the progress of figuring this stuff out so people can see the progression and help them figure it out themselves. Austin Kleon, Ali Abdaal, Alexey Guzey, and Visakan Veerasamy emphasize documentation as a way to create art.

"Why Do I Suck?" also mentions comparative advantage differences between emerging and established bloggers, where emerging bloggers can better take risks unburdened by success. I've been thinking about the cost of success for a while, which was a point I wanted to express in my unfinished Jack Harlow post. Like writing some things can be risky in the future if you become someone famous under scrutiny. But I am still taking that risk because the probability that I become that person even if I try is still very low, and the outcomes I want from writing can still be done. I want to write something I want to read. I read to understand and relate to someone, and I want to see something where someone puts out their vulnerable thoughts and process of overcoming struggles and feels very human, a little like Aaron Swartz and the living knowledge mentioned in "being smart vs being kind" by Visa.

Someone asked me if I was getting my work done while driving me to pick up bikes, and I told him that energy and time is non-fungible and I don't really have energy and time to do the stuff I'm supposed to do. And that I wrote a thousand words yesterday about this very thing while not doing the thing I'm supposed to be doing. He basically told me to just do it, and that kinda made me feel terrible. Like already I know I'm terrible. I don't need unsolicited advice? about just doing it and not working hard enough.

As I was picking up the bikes, I realized that I just took on a big liability. A few weeks ago, I got super excited to apply economics to real life. I was going to buy cheap abandoned bikes on an auction, fix them, and then sell them. I was thinking all those econ terms like inventory costs. Problem of transporting them and maybe trying to persuade people to help me. Then I got even more excited to apply what I learned about taking on risk, accountability, leverage, and specific leverage talked about in The Almanack of Naval Ravikant by Eric Jorgenson. I thought it was such a great idea and I would just take on a little risk and that no matter what happens I would learn something, right? I had the idea that money is very liquid and flexible because it's just a number, concept, and negotiable. But when I had to get the two flat bikes home, I couldn't stop thinking how dumb a piece of shit I was. I'm dealing with the real world with physical objects, and labor, work, and risk are real things. I'm not manipulating concepts or whatever, I'm literally taking lopsided steps pushing this bike, holding in pee all the way home. And I had to take two trips for both bikes. What a smack in the face from reality. I guess the lesson I was hoping to learn about risk and accountability weren't what I expected. And now I have the liability of storing the bikes, fixing them, and then trying to sell them.

I also thought about losing money and how painful that is. But I hope I don't take it too hard, and try to figure out ways to get back on the grand scheme of things.

Another thing that has been hard to trying to find a place to live. Econ and decision theory doesn't exactly apply very well with the amount of uncertainty I have and trying to coordinate with people. It's hard to make decisions with incomplete information that directly affects how I'm going to live.

I guess I might be humbled a bit? Man, liabilities suck.

I have this reaccuring thought of not going to college anymore, but I still want to learn the stuff I'm supposed to learn in college. I'm not sure how college is going to do that, or how I can get that without college. There was this thought of moving to somewhere cheap, get a minimum wage job trading time for money, and creating art in the other time. But I'm not even sure how that would work, because I basically have nothing to do, yet I can't get the things I'm supposed to do done.

I was listening to "L'Amour en Solitaire" by Juliette Armanet, and it sounds amazing.

I came across a youtube comment of Eminem recommendations by Morkoski, and listened to "When I'm Gone," "Arose," and "Headlights" by Eminem, and it made me feel sad. They are about the parent-child relationship. Not being there, forgiveness.

Pretty honestly, I feel pretty broken. Like today during walking the first bike back home, listening to Eminem in between, and then riding the bus to go get the second bike.

I started reading Introspect by Visakan Veerasamy, and the beginning about art with the purpose of healing and making you feel good and curating art you like, wanting to make personal decisions for control over your life called personal sovereignty, reminded me that life has the potential to be good. It made me want to cry, but can't really, and kinda grateful that this book exists and that someone spent years to make it.

My roommate and I ran a mile today, played some music together with other housemates, and I laughed at him eating McDonalds at night.

Tweets that make me kinda want to cry: