am i alone?

I thought about sending this to someone: r we still friends? cause from my perspective, you're just someone who knows me well. and that sucks since that means I'm truly alone and I don't have any friends or family.

What I mean is I don't have anyone to talk to, share my thoughts and feelings with, and try to care and understand. The people in my life right now are just people I do stuff with, like do bike workouts, maybe even have camaraderie with, but it's gone when I get home since we can't truly talk, and I'm left feeling alone. Even in my house, it feels like I'm the only person in this empty house because everyone just does their own thing and doesn't really acknowledge each other or disengages to play video games after a brief back-and-forth. Living with people is such a hit or miss. A hit would be greatest thing ever, like having a sleepover every single day. Remember that from elementary school? I didn't have sleepovers much but the very few were the best things ever. Being together, talking, doing things together. I thought this wasn't that much to ask for: literally just talking to each other is enough, it doesn't have to be elementary school friendship level gosh darn it /s. And well a miss feels like you're living by yourself in a empty house.

I want to go to this coffee shop. The coffee is crazy expensive, but I guess I'm paying for the vibe, because the vibe is literally a utopian dream. And just write my life story. Visa says articulating it is like taking control and creating and redefining your narrative. I think I would cry. John Green cried writing TFiOS in his local starbucks. I think I would have A Little Life in my backpack. I think I would cry from that too.

I wanted to make youtube videos since elementary school. But I never did. I have so much respect for people that share their vulnerable feelings that gives me something to relate to and say hey, that's me! i'm feeling this way too! and that there are other people that feel this way too. kid cudi, pete davidson, emma chamberlain, aaron swartz, CJ Q. My youtube channel would be about intellectual stuff and learning in a literally talking to the camera, video essay, documentarian, vlog style. But realistically, that's not happening in the near future. Writing makes more sense for now. I mean that's how aaron swartz and CJ Q did it.

I think my main problem is friends. I need to address this problem. I think that's why I can't get any work done. I need people. I can't do this alone. It's hard to think about spanish homework when I just really need someone to truly talk to.

There's this problem of having people I can kind of talk to, but can't really, because they don't care, can't understand, and it would actually be a burden for them to hear what I have to say and can't receive it.

I have tons of notes from the past month. A lot of material to write out. That'll take some time and effort to write out. I want to readjust my priorities to reading instead of being on my phone, and writing the notes stuff. weird how some stuff gets written out and some don't.

Page 240 and 241 of Introspect explains the friends thing well. very very well

this feels embarrassing to publish now, oh well