actually having sex

content warning: I talk about sex in this post.

status: I think I could present it in a better way but aiming for good enough.

so I had sex for the first time and I also did it like 3 times in the past 5 days but I didn't feel much sexual pleasure or come.

I think it's probably related to being ace, circumcised, and on antidepressants.

I feel like this complicates things. like those things obviously suck but I feel satisfied and disappointed at the same time? I still enjoy the physical and emotional intimacy and feeling their body. like cuddling and feeling warm soft skin definitely feels good! but the disappointment is from feeling like things are supposed to escalate and I want to do more diverse things and actually feel the sexual pleasure. I think I can come up with other good bonding activities but feel like people expect to have sex and even I think like sexual intimacy is important for a relationship to go well. like I had the idea that you're not supposed to have sex unless you enthusiastically want it and I feel like it is important to do things for the sake of it. so there's also the feeling that I am disappointing the other person. I was asked what do I like, enjoy, and feel pleasure from, and I was just like: whaaa? I think I mostly feel friction and basically like you're pulling my finger? I don't think I am intriscally wanting sex because I'm not feeling sexual pleasure from it?? and my experience after is ~almost like it didn't happen? but this is probably not true sincee I've felt like experiences had no effects when they did. just like your brain changes after, eg learning piano, but you're not gonna super notice it.

idk maybe I don't intriscally want and enjoy sex, and do it because I want to be a person who does. but maybe I can just have sex anyway.

ok story time

I think it's pretty fucking weird to be kissing a boy you just had sex with and then immediately run into the boy you had sex on saturday and sit across from him at a coffee shop like everything's normal. like sorry what is this. I normally have a hard time imagining that sex is a thing that people actually do, but literally just getting out of bed and walking outside in bed-head blurs that line.

also this seems morally questionable. like part of me gets the ick and disapproves, cause I would feel kinda bad if I saw someone kissing someone else that I'm dating, even if I knew that was within the boundaries set. since it seems like under dating norms, you are just being together and you're also with other people to eventually go exclusive. and I guess this makes sense since most relationships don't work out and it's faster to find a partner by dating more than one person at once. but then, the counter is that there are relationships and that means you'll meet someone eventually right.

interesting how you can like two people at the same time.

my friend jokes that if I call myself a fuckboy, I should at least be good at fucking. ok point given. and this is giving hoey fuckboy behavior vibes but not?

alright I'm tired of thinking about this topic now, I'm gonna edit another post.

This took 80 mins to write while I listened to MIA - Forrest Nolan on repeat at the library.